Good Girl Gone Bad

12 Jan

I never believed in a ‘good girl’ ‘bad girl’ tag, but she did and strived hard to be a good girl all the time; very conscious of her image and how others should talk/ think about her. We often had discussions about it and she came strongly about the Image part while I always maintained “I don’t really care “. I remember about 2 year ago while we were on the same topic she said “Does that bother me? NO” but “Does it matter to me? Yes “, and today I hear the same girl say” They are anyways going to call you a bitch, so don’t bother about it and it doesn’t matter anymore”.
And on that we both are wondering..Is she a good girl gone Bad?
If you ask me she just started living life the way she wanted to and not the way she is expected to. A change that many around us are going through and which is commonly termed as being ”westernized” or “too liberal”  It’s a state when you do things the way you want to and have no guilt or regret associated with it. It’s not easy, you are reminded time and again that you have no values, no respect for our age-old culture; you are made to feel guilty at many points.
So what is the crime that made her a Bad Girl?
She has graduated from a follower to a thinker .she is taking control of her life in all the ways she can.
She choose to work for a company she wants to in a city she loves, at a pay she think she deserve and not for a company that she has to pick because she could be near family at a pay they offer .She absolutely loves her family, but she don’t believe that in any ways this small distance is going to change her love for the family. She doesn’t like being supervised every day.
She chooses to wear what she likes, be it a casual Kurtis with pinned up neck or her miniskirts. She refuses to be advised every time she steps out of the house.
She wants to date instead of marrying anyone with degrees and Greencard..At 28 ..What the hell is she thinking? She just wants to have fun, and she totally refuses to define her “FUN”. I didn’t expect much from her till yesterday but then I think she is ready to surprise me. Or to be precise she is ready to surprise herself.
She wants to plan her holidays on her own, where she selects location, budget and time and the people she wants to accompany.
We are slowly coming out if the manipulative trap of selective freedom that comes with additional burden of responsibility of being a good girl. Sadly, while being a Bad boy is cool, being a bad girl is just plain Bad. At the same time it’s so much fun to see a friend calling herself “ good girl gone bad” ..I can almost hear her giggle over it , and I for one am smiling at the transition.
Welcome to the club honey …

Over a cup of coffee I listened to the complex life of another friend who saved herself from being a bad girl ( marrying a guy of other religion) and going for arrange marriage.  She has been dating this guy from last 3 years , she herself cannot find a flaw in the relationship except that its too perfect. In spite of them being of different religions and belonging to different parts of India (yes , south india- north india divide is still there )their families were ok with the marriage.After the guy met the girl’s family , girl is not ready for this! she said she is not ready to go ahead with the inter-religion thing .  she honestly told the guy about her feelings and is now considering arranged marriage . she has even started chatting / talking to a potential groom .

On the one hand she is taking a wise decision and is being a good girl following the traditional way .But can you imagine the reaction this would have gathered had this been done by a guy.After you let your girlfriend of 3 years meet your parents, you suddenly don’t feel like going ahead . I know of at least 10 such cases and all the hatred these guys have attracted by ‘ditching’ the girlfriend after talking marriage.That guy would definitely be termed a Bad boy. She has all the rights to say no if she feels so but does that make her a Bad girl !! 

 

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16 Responses to “Good Girl Gone Bad”

  1. girlsguidetosurvival January 12, 2011 at 1:56 am #

    …She has all the rights to say no if she feels so but does that make her a Bad girl !!

    Wish I could go good on that inter religion thing 🙂

    Each one of us knows our comfort zone and endurance. To lead on someone and then say “my parents wont agree to it” is a BS coz’ you knew it from the beginning what your parents are capable of handling.

    If your personal needs are not met in the relationship and then you decide to call it quits by communicating it very clearly to the other then you are saving both from future heart aches and bitterness.

    Spiritual compatibility is very important also, personally I can eat idaly or dosa once or twice a week not all seven days and similar will be the plight of person from South with reference to North Indian food. There is so much work to do.

    If one is breaking up for themselves not their parents’ sake then DG can understand.

    Go girls go bad… go goodwhat ever works for you but do it for your self 🙂

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

    • Sex And The Indian Cities January 12, 2011 at 9:57 pm #

      I agree DG we all have our comfort zones and we knw where we can we cannnot adjust happily .I highly recommend ppl your checklist of things to know before you marry ,as marriage is much more than a happy love affair and a divorce is much more than a bad break up.

      • Roop Rai January 16, 2011 at 9:40 pm #

        Dg: I’m a punjabi married to a Telugu, and hadn’t even thought of the dosa-roti divide in our 4 yrs of marriage until I read your comment ;). Luckily, food never was a source of conflict for us. And, luckily, so wasn’t anything else cultural either. But we are both living by ourselves. Away from our families. That makes all the diff. 🙂

      • girlsguidetosurvival January 17, 2011 at 3:11 am #

        @Roop Rai,
        That is music to my ears that it is a non issue. It was not so for me. The God forsaken man would ask me to butter the chapatis on other side because that is how his people ate where as, I was raised in a different way of eating chapatis. It could have been a non issue if he could accept that sometimes a person can forget as they have spent 20 years doing something one way instead of accusations that it was purposefull disobedience.

        Yes,families were away but MIL was micro managing our lives through phone, what time I woke up what I did and how I cooked egg plant… Anyway, it is good riddance or I wouldn’t have been blogging instead buttering the chapatis… 🙂

        It is mutal respect and kindness for each other that makes the relationship work. If these two ingredients are missing rest everything else creeps in to aggrevate their lack.

        Peace,
        Desi Girl

    • Roop Rai January 21, 2011 at 12:17 am #

      Haha dg! I know I shouldn’t be laughing but the way you expressed the situation is funny.:)) I cannot even imagine putting up with a man particular in his ways of buttering a roti. Jeez, are we in a daytime desi soap? I do find it ridiculous that in these tv serials, women are taught on screen to adopt their in laws way of doing things. Uh huh. Sure. What of mutual understanding as you say? I make sambhar with tarka and husband happily eats it. If he craves his authentic sambhar, he cooks it himself. Works for us brilliantly!

  2. Spike January 14, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    she shd have thought more deeply before getting the parents involved… she made the guy look like a total idiot in front of his parents. you dont do that to ppl you love.call me old school 🙂

    • Sex And The Indian Cities January 14, 2011 at 12:23 pm #

      yes , she should have or may be that was the point when the reality hit really hard. Still i would give her points for being honest about her feeling and following her heart in taking the important decision and not spending her life thinking Had i done that then I would have been happier.

      • Spike January 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

        here is a question – if the girl now changes her mind again and decides that she loves the guy and wants to marry him, what should the guy do?accept her, or reject her, bcoz she is unsure of herself…

  3. Sex And The Indian Cities January 15, 2011 at 7:33 pm #

    Like her right to say yes and no , he also has his right to say yes and no ..at whatever stage of their relationship. we cannot decide on his behalf , like we cannot on her.

  4. girlsguidetosurvival January 15, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    @Spike,

    Getting back together is the first thing comes to mind when we part ways with someone close. Each person has 100% control of their share of control in the relationship and too make a relationship each has to contribute minmum and maximum of 50%. If one is putting 40% and other is doing the 60% work it will work for some time not for ever. Relationship has to be a equal partnership.

    People rush to announce their relationships to the world inst ead of working on them being together for 4 or 5 years does not mean they have worked out the important issues.
    http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/all-about-relationships/ask-before-marrying/

    What should the guy do if she wants to get back?
    If he really sees some scope he should find a marraige counselor. Without creasing out the bumps getting back together will be a disaster. http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2010/05/23/ex-with-benefits-sex-on-my-mind/

    Peace,
    Desi Girl

  5. Sex And The Indian Cities January 16, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

    Hi Roop ..each relationship is different , and depending upon what we think is right or easy we tend to generalize other people ..thats what the whole post was all about ..:)

    Good that its working for you , but these are practical problem that dont work for many people and its better to take a call then assume that it will work fine ..we all have our own limitations and while we can work on few things, we also are aware what we will not be able to handle ..its another thing we dont ackhnowledge that at certain times .

    thanks for your views

  6. Bikram January 17, 2011 at 10:17 pm #

    Utter nonsense i wud say in the second example you have given I call it DECEPTION..
    Lets change the roles make is a Guy who did this , now wud you call him a GOOD BOY or a BAD BOY.. if he went around for years with thr girl and then said oh my parents want to marry him to someone else ..

    THe girl should have thought about this DIVIDE earlier, I think we are taking this good or bad tooo far.. what so good ..

    Good and bad are just the way we want to look at it , to you tis good to me its bad, end of the day its the SAME situation ….

    Instead of that if we think of it as HUMAN BEING one can see what the girl did was wrong, she had her fun for so many years and when the time came she wanted to turn back thats how i see it …

    The problem is we dont want to work, any small thing these days its break it off, divorce , separate blah blah blah…

    I thought when you love someone you go all the way right or wrong, good or bad.. thats what love is .. this is Disception in my eyes .. howsoever sugar coated the words are ..

    • Sex And The Indian Cities January 18, 2011 at 12:39 am #

      Hi Bikram : you will never hear me do ” man- bashing”..for i simply love men :)and second i dont believe in any bias ..

      on the deception part , I already mentioned there are two parts of it …same girl will be called good for considering her parents and same girl will be called bad for ditching a guy . and the truth is somewhere in between ..she neither wanted to to ditch him nor she wanted to offend her parents so talked to both the sides .But I agree if she wasnot able to take the leap of faith and be with this guy , there must be something wrong in the relationship . YOu dont fall in love considering what will happen but just because you spend good 4 years together you cannot spend lif together ..things change , love changes and life changes .. we all judge too soon and too much .

      • Bikram January 18, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

        🙂

        I think thats where we have gone wrong.. maybe i am totally wrong but i feel that the generations before us were more happy and had a content life then us and maybe we will have a content life then our kids the next generation…

        I still beleive in being man of word, why ask the address of a street to which you never gonna go .. maybe i live in a wrong world or as they say old school 🙂

        but one action has brought sadness to a lot of people and that can never be right… tha pain caused to multiple people can never be right and jsutified and that too knowingly…

  7. RenKiss February 10, 2011 at 1:09 am #

    Hey I found your blog through Indian Homemaker and I liked the posts so far. Hope you write more soon! 🙂

    Yes I don’t like the good girl/bad girl dichotomy, not only is it sexist, it’s not an accurate reflection of reality.

    • Sex And The Indian Cities February 15, 2011 at 12:33 am #

      Thanks for visiting .. I need to be a litle disciplined in my writings 🙂

      yes , we are often too perjudiced and too eager to categorise people in either of the two .

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